So my online dating profile usually goes something like
this:
Created at 2am after watching a sappy romantic movie or
reading some stupid post on facebook about a happy couple. 3 weeks and 4
dropped conversations (legitimate ones, not those horrid creeper ones) later:
deleted.
So this time when I made a profile I decided that I would
stick to it. I have to say it’s not going very well. I dunno if it’s a phase
I’m going through or if I’m just becoming a bit of a crotchety old woman, but
everything men say on these things seem to annoy me.
For example, I did an undergraduate degree in Medieval and
Celtic studies. It says this on my profile. A very nice young man in med school
asked me what I liked best about that period. I dutifully answered that I was
most interested in the literature and the social history of the times. To which
he responded: “I didn’t know they had literature. I thought it was just the
bible. Lol.” Well, I didn’t respond, but what I said out loud to my computer
screen was: “Really!? What, have you been living under a rock? I mean I will
concede that people who aren’t as obsessive as me won’t know about Luidprand of
Cremona or Abelard and Heloise, but seriously?? Beowulf, King Arthur, Robin
Hood. They are all medieval! Only had the bible my ass…”
See. Crotchety.
I am definitely becoming less and less tolerant of men on
the Internet. I have also found the more annoyed I am, or the more crass the
men are, the more formal and almost Victorian becomes my speech pattern. I
would like to blame the crotchety on the kind of men, like the one who IM’d me
this evening, but I’m sure at least some of it is my fault.
But I don’t understand how men think it’s okay to be, well,
frankly, beasts, when they speak to me online. Especially when absolutely
nothing about my profile says I’m interested in anything beastly. Seriously.
What about my stuffy and random profile makes you think I’m interested in
seeing your penis? I don’t know if I’m part of a dying breed or if all women
feel this way, but in my opinion, it doesn’t matter whether you are on the
street, in a work place or online, I would like to be treated with some modicum
of respect. It doesn’t matter if a man emails it to me or he says it to my
face, but when he says “oh my god your tits r amazing”, I’m going to be
appalled! What is it about the internet dating sites that make men all of a
sudden think it’s okay to be filthy and frankly, assholes?
Now, my friends will attest that I can be absolutely filthy
and inappropriate, but come on! There is a time and a place. When you are
speaking to someone for the first time you should be putting your best foot
forward – especially if this is someone you want to pursue romantically! And I know most of them aren’t writing
these messages on their phones, so why do I get messages like this:
“hey how r u want 2 hangout. i like ur pics”
Messages like that make me want to pound my head against
something hard. The English language is screwed. I wont even respond anymore to
messages like this. Spell the damn word out for the love of all that is holy!
Don’t get me wrong, I make allowances for guys whose profiles say they are from
non-English speaking countries. That is legitimate. You, Mr. Smith who was born
and raised in Toronto and is in university, have no excuse.
Sometimes I think I should just relax and not expect so much. But then I think: No. I'm not high maintenance, I don't 'have issues', I have standards. And I wont lower mine to raise yours.
So the adventures carry on. I will continue to respond to the nice ones in a pleasant manner, and amuse myself by speaking 'old fashioned' to the creepers.
So for your amusement, here is a fairly typical conversation
for me:
Him: Hey
there
Me: Hi
Him: How
are you doing?
Me: I'm
fine, how are you?
Him:
battling the evil spring allergies
Me: Ah
yes. I myself have never had occasion to do battle with them, but I hear they
can be formidable foes.
Him: haha
indeed
. Where in Toronto are you? I'm by Finch station
Me: Why
do guys always ask me where I live? It seems rather personal so early in the
courtship.
Him:
because it's a process
if you live too far the conversation winds down
if you
live close by it's more exciting because there's a high possibility you could
meet
Me: Ah.
Well, I will tell you that I don't live anywhere near Finch. If that helps you
in your process in anyway.
Him: well
that doesn't really narrow it down
I like your pictures
do you like cookies?
Me: No.
No it doesn't.
Yes. Yes I do.
Him: Did
you like my photos?
Me: They
are lovely. I did notice you like to show a lot of belly. Was this a calculated
choice?
Him: well
I'm actually not showing off my belly in the 3rd picture
if you look closer
Me:
Noted.
Him: are
you going to investigate further?
Me:
Depends. Is it going to be something will offend my sensibilities? Ask
yourself: Would Jane Austin be appalled? If the answer is yes, then I probably
wont investigate.
Him: I
think Jane A usten would be intrigued
Me:
Hmmm...
And what picture is it you want me to investigate?
Him: the
3rd one
Me: I'm just going to ask you outright. Are you asking me to look at your penis?
Him: Is that what you think it is ;)
Me: Well if that is in fact what you are asking me to see then a) I don't see it so
clearly it's not that impressive and b) That is extremely inappropriate and not
at all the way to speak to a woman. Perhaps you should learn how better to
treat a woman of quality before you start speaking with them again.
Him: hmm
well what size would you consider "impressive"?
Me: Oh
sweet lord. Did you not read the part about speaking to a lady of quality? One
does not discuss such things with a lady, and one ESPECIALLY does not discuss
it as the first topic of conversation! And frankly sir, what are you going to
do about becoming the size I want? Are you going to steal someone else's?? I'm
a little concerned!
*sigh* A gentleman you are not, and so I'm afraid I shall
have to terminate this conversation. I bid you farewell and good luck in your
relationship endeavors. However sordid and inappropriate they might be.
Good
night.
